Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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