Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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