The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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