It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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