apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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