tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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