you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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