You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
