I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
