Everything about him screamed your future.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
