if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
