Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
