i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize