Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
