the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
