If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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