I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My dick has a subreddit
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
