just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
