uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
