Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
