i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
