I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I cockslap morals
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize
