Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
