based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
