just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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