She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
