i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
