Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
