I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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