Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This is the high leading the old right now
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Randomize
