i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
