Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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