Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
