Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
