1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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