apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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