News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
