i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
