so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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