A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
