I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
