go do what you do best...puke behind churches
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
