whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
