Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
