i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
