Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
