i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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