Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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