Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
