He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
