i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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