Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
