oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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