Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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